Ahmed Shehab guarantees in this video lecture that these are some of the ways to keep your wife’s (notice wife’s is singular posessive and not plural) love. Check out more suggestions over here.
1. Make her feel secure and sakinah – don’t threaten her with divorce
2. Give sincere salaams
3. Treat her gently – like a fragile vessel
4. Advise in private, at the best time, in the best way and atmosphere
5. Be generous with her
6. Warm the seat for her, you will warm her heart
7. Avoid anger, keep wudu at all times
8. Look good and smell great for your wife
9. Don’t be rigid or harsh-hearted or you will be broken
10. Be a good listener
11. Yes for flattery, No for arguing
12. Call your wife with the best names, cute nicknames, names she loves to hear
13. Utilize pleasant surprises
14. Preserve and guard the tongue
15. Expect, accept, and overlook her shortcomings
16. Give sincere compliments
17. Encourage her to keep good relations with her family
18. Speak about topics that interest her
19. Express to her relatives, how wonderful she is
20. Give each other gifts
21. Get rid of routine, surprise her
22. Have a good opinion of each other
23. Have good manners, overlook small things, don’t nitpick
24. Add a drop of patience, increase drops during pregnancy, menses
25. Expect and respect her jealously
26. Be humble
27. Sacrifice your happiness for hers
28. Help at home and with housework
29. Help her love your relatives, but don’t try to force her
30. Let her know that she is the ideal wife for you
31. Remember your wife in dua
32. Leave the past for Allah subhanahu wa ta ala, don’t dwell on, dig into, or bring it up.
33. Don’t act as if you are doing her a favor by working or providing, Allah is the Provider, the husband is the carrier of the sustenance to the family
34. Take shaytaan as your enemy, not your wife
35. Put food in your wife’s mouth
36. Treat your wife like she is the most precious pearl that you want to protect
37. Show her your smile
38. Don’t ignore the small things, deal with them before they become big
39. Avoid being harsh-hearted
40. Respect and show that you appreciate her thinking
41. Help her to find and build her inner strengths and skills
42. Respect that she might not be in mood for intimacy, stay within halal boundaries
43. Help her take care of the children
44. Give her gifts with your tongue, be an artist with your compliments
45. Sit down and eat meals together
46. Let her know that you will be traveling or returning from travel, give her sufficient notice
47. Don’t leave home in anger
48. Maintain the secrecy and privacy of the home
49. Encourage each other in ibaadat
50. Respect and fulfill her rights upon you
51. Live with her in kindness, goodness, fairness in good and bad times
52. Kiss your wife, foreplay, “Don’t jump on her like a bull”
53. Keep disputes between the two of you, don’t take it outside
54. Show care for her health and well-being
55. Remember you are not always right or perfect yourself
56. Share your happiness and sadness with her
57. Have mercy for her weaknesses
58. Be a firm support for her to lean on
59. Accept her as is, she is a package deal
60. Have a good intention for her
How does he guarantee it?
Well I suppose if one actually implements some or all of these tips, then that is a strong guarantee and Allah knows best. If you have time, you should watch the video he has a gentle manner in his speech.
Is #6 literal or symbolic? My dh always leaves my pc desk chair warm and I HATE IT!!!
These ones are really good. I had read some very odd ones somewhere and had posted them on my previous blog. I like these.
Umm Adam: Number six was literal, it was sweet how he described it with his motions.
Suroor, I like these too. 🙂
Next we should have: How to find that special someone?
1. I think the guarantee is in the fact that these points are derived from the Qur’an and Sunnah. If you follow the Qur’an and Sunnah…the situation is always win-win and success is guaranteed.
“Is #6 literal or symbolic? My dh always leaves my pc desk chair warm and I HATE IT!!!”
2. Lol. Um Adam, its just something you do in order to achieve something else. Like opening the car door for your wife in order to take her hand. Or, if your dh were to make room for you or to pull another chair over for you inorder to listen to a lecture or something over the internet…then we’d be describing the same situation.
But your husband formerly occupied the chair. Then you sat on it. Different scenario.
Like Apple said, watch the video..it’s really nice 🙂
Just as an aside…I really liked #6.
It reminded me of Sh. Yasir Birjas’ “What’s cookin’ good lookin'”!
lol C Muslimah, I’ve heard and heard about him saying that, inshaAllah i’m waiting to hear it in person (or from the newly released CD set)…I remember I went to Ottawa last summer and I went to Muhammad Alshareef’s ‘how to be an oustanding husband/wife’ series, and he had this really funny joke about nicknames. He was talking about how in families everyone gives funny nicknames to eachother-sometimes mean ones. So he mentioned this brother who said, “HEY STINKER!!” when his wife walked into the room. LOL talk about being clueless…not to mention thoroughly embarassing.
as for the video, I watched it a couple of months ago and I definately argree–it is very nice mashaAllah, everyone who is getting married should watch it inshaAllah.
#1 is something many husbands secretly do not follow – and their wives are too embarrassed to tell on them about it. They should fear God about such things. I’m tired of seeing women upset over threats of divorce.
No woman should be embarrassed to react to such an underhanded threat. The word “divorce” should never, ever come out of someone’s mouth unless he is sincerely ready to part ways. Once you put something like that out into the air, you can never recall it, and trust is shattered.
The competition is still on to get to 100 here… Anyone up to the challenge here?
Musings of a Muslim Mind
Travelling Stranger: I agree yet I think that focusing too much on a idealized vision of a spouse can be a hindrance, if spouses are compatible and work on implementing the tips then in sha Allah they will have a successful marriage.
Canadian Muslimah: Yes, excellent point that these are all tips found in the Quran and Sunnah. And it seems you know who Amatullah is.
Koonj: I think that is major. How can a person feel secure if the other party is always threatening divorce or talking about wanting wife 2,3, or 4.
Amad: I’m still considering whether or not to accept the monetary reward. May Allah reward you for posting the video and challenge on your blog otherwise I might not have listened to it.
If you follow the Qur’an and Sunnah…the situation is always win-win and success is guaranteed…exactly…but your spouse’s love is not guaranteed…I’m not meaning to be discouraging as Masha Allah, this brother has compiled many very valuable insights and given them to us in a way that we can trully utilize them. What I am saying is that the use of the word “Guaranteed” is erroneous and maybe somebody thought that was cute marketing, but it’s not.
Asalamu aleikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatu
hmm..these sound really nice but now all I need is to find some way to get my future Husband to read this Inshallah!and oh yea there should be a 60 Ways to Keep Your Husbands ’s Love – Guaranteed version of this
I came across 2 really neat apple headers and it just remined me of you send me an email if ur intrested …..
“If you follow the Qur’an and Sunnah…the situation is always win-win and success is guaranteed…exactly…but your spouse’s love is not guaranteed…”
I think you’d really have to define love. Love is expressed differently depending on the individual.
If you kept to the tips, and consistently behaved as you should (Islamically that is) – you’d have to be married to a toad for them not to “love” you (in some way) back. There are different levels of affection.
Brooke: I agree we cannot guarantee the future, I assume the title is a bit of a PR move.
Orange Juice: In sha Allah, I’ll drop you an email. I love seeing new apple images that could be used for my header.
Canadian and Amatullah: Don’t publish your emails, in sha Allah, I’ll hook you up by exchanging your email addy’s.
As salaamu alaikum
I fixed your logo for you!
Wa salaamu alaykum DM,
lol, alhamdulillah. Thanks for letting me know about this. Included in the general category of “American Muslims Against Terrorism” is the subcategory “Muslims Against American Terrorism”, no?
As for nicknames? When we were first married, I called her one, and she said ‘aw, I love when you call me pet names…’… so for the next hour, I called her Fido.
She still thinks its funny!
Bill, I can imagine you saying something like that.
For most of my friends, I make up affectionate nicknames for them but always feel a little bad if they tell me they don’t like the name I picked.
Thats intriguing. I wonder why that fits your image of me? Hmm…maybe I’m better off not knowing. And I won’t ask if *I* have a nickname, but please note: I’m pretty sure that ‘infidel’ is already taken.
I’m not much of a nicknamer, actually, but my wifegave me SUCH an opening, that time, it’d have been criminal to ignore it. I remember meeting a guy who was married to a woman with whom I worked; we all went out to dinner, and he referred to her frequently as ‘kiddo’, which seemed spectacularly friendly to me. It wasn’t cloying, but it clearly said that this was a special person to him, which I liked. For a while I used to call my wife Pook, just because I’d come across an article where a guy called his wife that, and it seemed like such a neat whimsical name, but that died out after a while. Now it’s just ‘she who must be obeyed….’
Muslims Against American Terrorism? I’m not sure what you mean by that….but I don’t think I like the sound of it. Unless you mean Dick Cheney, in which case: go for it.
Bill, you have this sense of humor that comes through in your writing that makes me expect that you would say something like that, just along those lines.
I like the original image on my sidebar, which is American Muslims Against Terrorism, in all of its forms, period.
You got me!
If I would have attempted to write a list like that, I would have repeated myself I am sure. They are so true. Sometimes the solution is something so ‘small’ like a hug.
Jazaaka Allaahu khairan
I agree sometimes, it’s the little things like touch or a word or an act of kindness that make the most difference.
Although one of the brothers suggested a Coach bag and one of my neighbors gave his wife a brand-new BMW and I think those are also nice. 🙂
salam… we have expanded this on muslimmatters.org to make it more neutral “60 ways to guarantee your spouse’s love”… we are #54 in the reverse category (wife for husband)….
Lovely! Thanks for sharing. Great blog, Muslim Apple 🙂
13. Utilize pleasant surprises –> I like how strategic this sounds!
MashaAllah great post, very time-saving and helps refresh your mind (if you’ve seen the lecture already)!
In response to “how do you know he/she’s the one?” the answer is detailed here: http://www.ilmfruits.com/the-love-of-your-life/
lol. pretty good tips mashallah. i hope the brothers don’t just read it and then smile and afterwards its the same ol’ same ol’.
I reeeaaallly hope my zawj will be all that. at least 70% if he’s too human to make 100% ha ha ha.
I have to preface this by saying I don’t intend to be rude, but I was rather incredulous when reading this list.
#3, 27, 36: I know people might think it’s the height of romance to treat your wife like she’s a princess and doing everything in service of her, but I believe that treating your wife instead as a fellow human being and as a partner is the way to show her true love and respect. In my opinion, marriage is an equal partnership, meaning I should be sharing my experiences (good and bad) with her, not stoically sheltering her from the evils of the world. Women are not fragile creatures in need of protection (at least, not anymore) and to think of them as such is belittling and sexist.
#7, 11: I don’t believe anyone can have a healthy relationship without all the requisite emotions. Anger is natural and should be accepted and expressed when it is felt, not cooped up and left to stagnate inside one’s mind. Also, not all arguments are negative or ill-tempered. Unless the two of you have perfectly synced mindsets, you’re bound to disagree over something sooner or later and it is much better to bring it out in the open rather than to have one party constantly giving in.
That said, I don’t want this to be entirely negative, but the good points have already been mentioned previously. However, there are some really good points here that I agree with and I think should be adhered to constantly, namely #4, 10, 16, 17, 31, 40-43, 48-51, 53-56, 58, 60.
Again, I’d just like to make it clear, I have no ill intentions. I just want to express my opinions.
We ARE told we are partners as spouses and we are garments for each other in the Quran. (garments protect you)
Many ppl say things they either dont mean when they are angry or say things that are true but should not be voiced(ie could damage the relationship beyong repair)
Our religion tell us to be slow to anger and patient, that God is with the patient.
The brother who was a speaker was only giving his OPINION from his knowledge and experience, much of which is from our book, The Quran we believe the word of God and our Prophet’s, peace be upon him, example. Women ARE fragile. ITS JUST IN THIS DAY AND AGE and society, we have to make ourselves rough and tough to compete in the male world and support ourselves as well as sometimes our children or family. We have to compete by looking nice, presentable, professional, which includes slacks (like aman) or a mini-skirt.
Ladies are not born the way you see women now in America. If you had a daughter and sheltered her (yes sheltered) from the many evils of the world she would be as her true nature. That is, sensitive. I know this I have kids! I swore I wouldnt raise my children any different according to their gender but they came out that way! My son is tough and my daughters are concerned with girly things and looking good! Not to say I wasnt a tomboy growing up, but my nature was concerned with sensitive issues like the starving inAfrica and not getting into fights!
I am so sick of ppl saying we muslim women are oppressed! WHy b/c i have a scarf does that make me less? WHy am I not equal? Ya’ll are making us that way, not our society or religion. MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT> that does mean we arenot equal!!! We are equal in God’s eyes, but we were made differently. Men are NOt the same as women. Biologically, we are different, we can behave different and no amount of deprogramming will fix that because we are all born with our own natures.
The feminism movement’s effect reversed what was the original positive cause for women: Equal pay for a mans work and freedom over our bodies. Instead, it degraded us, telling us we are the same, we can sleep with as many men as we want and have abortions! Instead of respecting our differences, it cheated many women out of feeling it isOK to stay home once they had children and felt that pull and longing to be with their child, instead they are not ‘equal’ or have no ‘worth’ if they dont have a career or years of academic success!
There is an Arabic word I learned called “shura” It means consulation. Spouses are expected to do this through respect, consideration, and cooperation,in their marriage.
This is the example of our Prophet and waht Islam is about.
Also, I would like to mention the brother left out “Feed your women when you eat and clothe them when you clothe yourself” (I know I am not saying it perfectly)
In essence, when you buy yourself new clothes, buy her some of the same. Be equal. I wanted my husband (at that time)to have nice clothes and look good, but he was always getting nice, expensive clothes and I had the same old clothes, some falling apart, used clothes given to me years ago! I chose not to buy new clothes but…
Equality is all in Islam, between gender and race.Allah said only the level of righteousness defines the difference between people, in His eyes.
I find it hilarious that men talk about being ‘sexist’ by respecting a women’s nature, giving her consideration and excuse b/c we can be forgetful and emotional at times, and then, those ppl giving us women “EQUALITY” turn around and watch porn!
& snake congratulations for reading something different, some ppl cling to thier ideas and refuse to read anything else!
May God forgive me if i said anything wrong, he is perfect, the mistakes are fromme.
This is good, love all these, but men can not just give all, even if they like, they forget to practice them with with time. every home deserves this.
For the men folk, try twenty of these and u will see the woman jump at u, she will think u a just back from paradise
For the women folk, appreciate any good step taken by your husband.
May Allah reward the writer and every man who read, digest and practice any of these steps sincerely. Amin
I think consistently practicing just a few of these with your spouse will help build and sustain the relationship.
Can someone pls explain how one can except the importance of molding our marriage according to the Quran & Sunnah yet in the same breath lay blame on a God fearing, Sunnah practicing brother for taking wife 2, 3 or 4??? (given that he meets the prerequisite requirements)
As pious Muslims we should mold all of our actions based on the Quran and Sunnah, yet we see many trifling brothers in order to satisfy their desire for multiple sexual partners take dubious means not in accordance with Quran and Sunnah to further this goal.
No woman has to accept polygamy, it is a choice, not obligatory, so if a man or woman does not prefer it for himself or herself then there is to be no blame attached. Besides, the point here is that it is the job of the husband to make his wife feel secure especially if they are to have a successful marriage and a huge cause of instability or insecurity would be to threaten the disruption of the family by taking another wife unless all parties are in agreement.
It seems as if I have touched on a nerve…which is why this topic is very much avoided in most contemporary discussions about successful marriages. Contrary to caveat in the introduction it is possible to inculcate these advices and be married to several women… harmoniously. One only has to look towards the seerah for the best of examples.
No one disputes that for some people polygamy works and no you did not touch a nerve. You asked a question about shaping marriage according to the Quran and Sunnah and criticism of polygamy and I answered. I think polygamy is avoided in many discussions because it is illegal in the western context therefore something most people tend to be secretive about outside of Muslim circles and the trifling way many people go about it.
Great discussion!!! A great book for married men is “How to Love You Wife” by Dr. John Buri. It changed my life!!
Here’s the short description of the book: Some people have suggested that a successful marriage requires tremendous insight to understand and super-human effort to achieve. Others contend that happy marriages are the purview of a lucky few. In this ground-breaking book, How To Love Your Wife, it is revealed how thriving marriages can actually be achieved through sensible effort by reasonable people. But here’s the catch. Since the majority of marriages in this country consist of unions in which wives are more heavily invested in marital success than are their husbands, much of this sensible effort by reasonable people needs to be consistently initiated and maintained by men. In fact, men often hold the keys to bringing about the type of loving marriage they had hoped for when they first said “I do.” In How To Love Your Wife, these keys are made clear, understandable, and accessible.
John Buri’s website
The book on amazon
(notice wife’s is singular posessive and not plural)
What are you implying about with this comment?
I wrote this up nearly three years ago, had forgotten about that line and even much of this post but it was meant as an inside joke, which if explained is never as funny.
I love tìhis.Its educative.
If only Men knew how easy it is to have our full attention. We are looking for the simplest thing in Life and that is a hug and some loving ( kind words, Security, Compliments). If a man shows this towards his wife he will be pleased with the outcome in terms of his house, food, intamacy etc.
I loved the above and only wish that more men would put this into practise!
Hmmm. So thats 63 and counting then….. For every 60 women, each of them will probably come up with a different set of her own “sixty ways to keep a woman”.
On a more serious note, some understanding and a lot of tolerance will go a long way for both parties. It is said that Iblees (shaitaan) will always commend his companion who breaks up a marriage even more than the one who instigates the murder of a mu’min.
“Understanding” above, doesnt necessarily signify reaching an agreement. Rather, understanding that we are different species who think in different lines in order to end up at the same point is paramount.
To the sister that runs the site, I say Ogadiriginma twenty times!
Can’t relate to anyone of these beautiful ways.
I wonder what real love is for a practicing muslim wife?
Only the Lord knows my patience.
That’s fine, it’s okay to not be able to relate, if it’s not on your plate, don’t try to eat from it.
wat do u mean by ‘muslim apple’???
Zafar, welcome to the blog. Muslim Apple used to be my online nickname and the name of this blog. The name combined my identity as a Muslim as well as my love for apples, both the fruit and the computer company.